Thursday, November 10, 2011


imagine if you could add up all the moments you'd spent doing something you'd never think was worthwhile in retrospect?
imagine how different that number would look if this thought was in your head every waking moment?

Voy a decirle si es verdad todo lo que usted dice.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Two men are fighting - shortly into the fight it is obvious that the shorter of the two is the dominant. After trading blows for a few minutes he takes his opponent to the ground and stands over him; one hand tightly wrapped-and-clenched with a bunched-up portion of the larger man's collar, and the other drawn back in a fist. Similar to the motion of drawing back a bow-and-arrow before firing the smaller man holds the pose for what seems like an eternity. His firing arm shakes a great deal as the two combatants lock eyes; a pause ensues within which the dominant's orbs seem to ignite as he rhetorically asks and then answers his own question aloud through clenched teeth....
Question: Why are you weak?
Answer: Because you lack hatred.

Anger can be one of the most dangerous of emotions. It dances with wolves in that it's one of the more primal emotions humans posses. Most predatory/carnivorous animals survive on anger; their fighting over territory, dominance, or food generally comes down to which of the creatures desires the in question more. Which is the most driven to be alpha, which is most susceptible to testosterone flares, or which is the hungrier (respectably). Granted that size and physical ability are the other variables that play a role of course.

The trick with anger is learning how to siphon it rather than just giving into the blind rage. The redwall (or seeing red) is often where people are at their most dangerous, operating much like rabid animals there are no morals or restraints when under this effect. The offspring of a manic-depressive, alcoholic father I've struggled with this my entire life. Surrounding myself with carefree people and taking after them has helped alot.
So when did I realize I was a danger to myself and others because of anger?

First, a History of Violence

When I was 13 my parents got divorced. My dad moved into a trailer-park behind the local wal-mart. On weekends me and my 3 siblings would visit and hangout with the local kids. Our favorite game took place multiple times a day, we'd gather in the cul-de-sac circle of grass and build teams. The teams would then all fight until members from either team tapped out. "no strikes to the face or balls and no weapons" were the only rules (which occasionally were broken). The fun in it was each person had a different style and after a while you got to learn each neighborhood kid's preferred fighting style. Strikers, wrestlers, opportunists and bulldogs. My younger brother was a bulldog, at age 11 he preferred to be matched up against the 11 and 12yr old brothers Thomas and Marcus by himself. His best friend richie was a striker and merely 8 yrs old I often found myself the recipient of one of his brutal haymakers, NEVER have I met a kid who could swing a punch like Richie Scacheri. I had always been a defensive/wrestler type, disliking the striking game because i was scrawny for my age and afraid to hurt someone else in an angry rage (my father had beaten that out of me at a young age, infront of my siblings so they were spared making the same mistake). So while my brother and his friends could all build rage and swing kick and fight without abandon I slowly faded from the spotlight in our circle-fights.
I preferred to wait until someone came at me and then counter their advance as best i could before putting them down.
One day we were all standing around the mailboxes hitting rocks with baseball bats and these three kids from other-side of the trailer park came riding through on their mountain bikes. My brother had always been an instigator, so when he told one of the kids he looked like a girl i thought nothing of it. The kids threw back some retort i can't recall and then rode off. We all broke off for lunch; and after lunch i remained inside to watch cartoons. Hours later they returned and began circling my brother and his before-mentioned friend richie scacheri. These kids were my age and there were three of them, my brother was 11 at the time and his friend richie only 8. I saw trouble brewing and made a point to go outside and join up with my brother and his friend. After my arrival the kids began to ride off; my brother wasn't satisfied and so he said something ( again i fail to recall). The kid he had called a girl quickly whipped his bike around and began pedaling as hard as he could towards my brother. Showing no signs of stopping I could almost physically feel the reprimanding i would get if i allowed my brother to be run down. I became angry with my brother for putting me in this situation as I was not the one being attacked and yet i had to be involved  (this has never been my nature). I didn't know what my next move was and just as the rider was about to collide with us I reflexively threw all of my weight foreward and extended my arms. I caught his handlebars and squeezed both brakes, i slid back a few inches across the sandy pavement as the bike came to a stop, as it lost momentum i felt the seriousness of this kids assault begin to cause a "seeing-red" effect. I wrenched his handlebars and throw him and his bike to the ground. I walked off to cool off and the kid retreated home with his tail between his legs and his friends riding beside him.

While the story isn't drastic by any means it is significant for me personally because I learned/felt the danger of allowing my anger to control me. So I urge anyone out there to strive for a moment such as this one; not for me but for yourself. Being able to channel and control your fury rather than have it control can only benefit you in the long run. It seperates the inmates from guards (though, barely sometimes).

In my opinion being able to control anger to the point where it is appropriate to be let loose is an infinitely valuable skill.

This is Madness??!?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


What an onion of a concept that is huh?
Layer after layer, view after view, all encasing the juicy, tearjerking core that we all claim as truth.
The funniest thing about perception is that there are those who do not see it. I mean of course they
understand that it's there, and probably grasp the concept, but that's generally the extent of it.
I believe what I'm saying with all that I've got and therefore it is true.
This self-empowering mindset that separates the lords from the peasants, masters from dogs, bosses from associates. Those who do not question their perception can often times find great success because those around them (who may question their own ) see the unquestioning as confident and strong. Thus providing the support that the doubtful so need to be around in order to feel justified as the go about their business.
Is refusing to question your perception arrogant and therefore naive? or is it simply strength of will that emulates from a sturdy, confident core?
I believe that a person's perception works similar to the placebo effect. A person believes he is right and therefore fights, struggles, bites, scratches, and claws his way up until he has a following of less-confidents who use him as a rock from which to build themselves.

A true rock does not rely on the barnacles and fungus growing across his back for protection or support. Ignoring his surroundings he pulls strength from the dense, cold center of his being and is thus unmoved by the existence-of or number-of those that surround him.
While the rock's perception is nothing more than a product of what he has seen, been taught, and taught himself in terms of how his brain processes information (just as it is with anyone); nothing else matters and therefore nothing else is true. Regardless of if it's the entire world at his back or standing opposite of him; he is right, he is what matters, he is truth.

Sunday, October 30, 2011



 it's funny how the words around us can push, prod and ultimately alter the course of our existence.
we may not realize it but the things that those  (whom we take seriously) around us say can alter how(or in some cases "if") we view a particular subject.

too vague.

Paul and Christie are close friends, closer'n dirt. Paul learned to drive from his dad, Christie from her mom. Paul's father is a careless driver with habits that rubbed off effectively and now his son texts, drinks, and closes his eyes to sing along to music while he drives ( sometimes all at the same time). Christie's tutelage was quite the contrary. Her mother taught her to be a highly cautious driver; her only points off during the driving test came from her failure to signal 100ft before a turn. Which her perfectionist mother couldn't help but bring up immediately after the test even though her daughter passed with a near perfect score.  

Bringing it up that one time was all it took.

 a couple years later, paul's drunktextsing driving as he follows christie on the way to party (after pre-gaming heavily at his house prior to meeting up to follow his lady friend). There's a hidden turn coming up and they're traveling at lets say 50-60mph. The song hits the chorus and paul goes to close his eyes 115ft before the turn. Just as his stupor infused mind is sending the signal to close his eyelids christie's mother's comment pops into her head and she nonchalantly flips her directional at exactly 100ft as she has with every turn since the test. Seeing the directional Paul realizes his breaks are needed and snaps to attention to safely make the turn.

now had she not been so anal about the turning signal due to her mother's comment after the test christie could have been in an accident due to her friend's carelessness. Of course this situations highly hypothetical and simply meant to accentuate a point. The comment in this case was a lifesaver, but in most real life situations it can often be difficult (and occasionally prudent) to determine the effect our words may have on their target.
I'm by no means a saint, i throw my words like there's no tomorrow; and its only today that i started to realize the weight of things i've said in the past. Will i change for the better because of this realization? nope I'll probably just store it away for awhile and eventually forget it like i do most everything these days.
imma old nigga livin in the young niggas world.

aight eat a dick shitbirds
better yet eat a bag of dicks
naaah fuckit eat a bag of babydicks i hate you all

Tengo un gato en mis pantalones y mi queso no es bueno.
este es la vida del delgado

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tuesday Boozeday

Day 3
so far so good; no struggle thus far but you know what they say, "no pain no gain"
so is it working?
It's getting colder up here in the mountains of new hampshire and it seems like any day now
i could wake up to a winter wonderland. Then again with how the weather works here I could be swinging off the ropeswing and sucking down arnie palmers at the tressle by noon that same day.
But with all the foliage changing and shit I've been doing some woods trekking with my lil minpin and its been really nice. I don't have a name for this game yet but everyday I go out into the woods and try to get lost and then loop my way home. It's kinda fun playing around with your sense of direction when youre in total foreign surroundings and have no landmarks you can use as locational references.
I'm gunna go play getlost with mack

- survivorman for a couple hours

Monday, October 24, 2011

Living Sober

The first time I ever consumed I was 17 years old.
From those first 8 budlights I knew I was in love, I wanted to drink all the time
and the only thing that kept me from doing so was the fact that I had no money with
which to purchase.
 I'm starting to realize the long-term effects of drinking regularly. I've loved, I've fought, I've been arrested, I've laughed and I've cried my way through the last 4 years and alcohol has played a major role in all of these.
I'm not an alcoholic by any means but I feel like the college lifestyle dampens the mind more than it expands it. Students learn to get by through the week so they can truly be passionate and expressive over the weekends instead of the other way around.
This is all of course just from my own point of view.....
2 days sober now - LEEEEEEEEGO